Cartoon characters in the real world
by MechanicCave
Summary: A flash of light and it all becomes chaos! Thomas the tank engine, Caillou, Barney, Wile E Coyote, Roadrunner and others get sucked into the modern world! How will they survive? First started out as a joke but now it's become a (humorous) war of the worlds! Shotguns, Crappy cars, Fanta, mobs and much more! T for Violence, crude humor and mild swearing. Please R&R! FINISHED!
1. The Invasion

One day some random guy (let's call him Bob) was sitting on the pavement for some weird reason drinking a soda. Suddenly, for no reason at all except plot reasons, a dirty big flash of light appeared. Meanwhile, all over the universe, cartoon characters stood in awe as an enormous portal appeared leading to Bob's world. Unfortunately, only the really annoying and stupid cartoon characters were stupid enough to go in. Bob watched, horrified as the worst sight in the world became reality. Dora (and her three companions who I forgot the names of), Caillou, Barney, Thomas the tank engine, Robbie Rotten, those random puppet things from "Yo Gabba Gabba" and Peppa pig.

"What the heck is happening?" asked Bob. His soda fell from his hand as the portal closed. "What do you think is happening you idiot?" shouted this old man who looked a lot like Stan Lee for another weird reason. "Cartoon characters have been transported into this world! Man, what is it with people these days?" The cartoon characters were all very confused. "What's this?" asked Robbie Rotten. "A strange, darkly colored world? I shall take over it and finally be able to get rid of Sportacus and his idiotic magical apples… erm I mean sports candy!" he added quickly to the younger viewers of this story.

 _A hundred babies who watched Lazy town dropped their ice creams when they realized that "sports candy" were actually normal apples_

Robbie Rotten started waving his arms and screaming "MWA HA HA HA" as he ran onto the road and got hit by a truck supplying illegal weapons to mobsters ironically. Bob looked around for a second before pointing to all the cartoon characters and saying "Hey, you" Caillou started to cry "I WANT MY MUMMY!"  
"What is it" asked one of the weird puppet things from Yo Gabba Gabba. "You're all stepping on my feet." Bob groaned. Then he called the police on his mobile phone (The "Call" app was conveniently placed between "Candy crush Saga" and "Milkshake simulator"). The police sirens sounded as a dozen police cars burst out of the station to find the disturbance. "I wonder what this is" asked Dora, pointing to Bob's phone.

"That's right! It's a PHONE! Everybody say phone! P-H-O-N-E! PHONE!"  
Then she took her backpack out "Hey guys let's have some fun!" the backpack and map didn't do anything because now that they were in the real world, they were inanimate. So basically they were dead.

Police officers arrived at the scene. "Put your hands in the air, freaks!" shouted the Police Captain, raising his gun (This was America btw. No wait I didn't mean for it to be stereotypical, I just added it in because I forgot to put in the setting at the beginning). "Come on everybody!" said Barney in his really squeaky and yet deep voice (I'll call it a "Deaky" voice). "Let's be best friends!" The police captain looked really creeped out. Then Barney started singing. "YOU LOVE MEE I LOVE YOU-"and the police officers put their hands to their ears. "SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!" sobbed Bob as his ears started wrinkling. The Police Captain calmly put on a pair of earplugs and put both hands on the trigger. "Okay then," he said in his fakest fake voice. "Let's be best… NO GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF!" and he shot all his bullets into Barney's chest. He fell to the ground with a loud thud.

 _A note from the author: I do not own any of these characters, nor do I actually want to. Who does?  
_ TO BE CONTINUED…  
 _Me: Welp, Robbie and Barney are dead.  
Barney: Why don't we all be BEST FRIE-  
Me: (shoots a missile through his head) Nope.  
Robbie: Curses! I just was foiled again! But I will return! I will return! I will…  
Me: Nah, I'm not bringing you back._


	2. Suiting Up

CHAPTER 2: SUITING UP

The remaining cartoon characters that were left, Dora, Boots, Caillou, Thomas the tank engine, those 4 weird puppet things from "Yo gabba gabba" and Pepper pig, stared at Barney's fallen body. "FREEZE OR YOU'RE NEXT!" shouted the police captain. "Okay Boots!" said Dora "Let's do a dance and please the police officers!" Boots crawled out of her bag. Now that they were in the real world, he was just a regular monkey with gumboots. "EEP EEP!" screeched Boots and he leapt out and started crawling over Dora's face and pooping onto her bag. "What's wrong Boots?" asked Dora, looking confused (Hey, if she's thick enough not to see a mountain behind herself, she won't know where Boot's intelligence went". Police rookie Billy, who had trained as a vet before joining the police force, immediately saw the symptoms. "Oh no!" he shouted. "This poor monkey has a serious case of 'Intelligence-depletion-show-syndrome!' The only cause of this is if that little girl has asked up to 69 extremely stupid and obvious questions every day!" Billy pointed at Dora accusingly. "Girl," he yelled "I'm afraid you are under arrest for cruelty to animals!" "GET THEM ALL" shouted the Police Captain. They put Dora's hands in handcuffs and when one of the policemen searched her pockets for identification, she said "SWIPER NO SWIPING!"

All of those random puppet things from Yo gabba gabba exploded because they had swiped each of their mum's credit card for drug money. Boots screamed and started picking his nose for some weird reason, and ran off in the direction of the recently created zoo. Then Pepper pig fell into a muddy puddle and started laughing because that's what she does at the end of every episode. Did I mention that Pepper pig is a kind of psycho? Caillou screamed "I WANT A COOKIE" which made the police officers accidently shoot each other because they didn't know where he was. "Here kid, why don't you go into this nice erm… armored police van?" asked one of the police officers. Caillou started smashing his fists onto the ground and screamed "NO!"

He ran off with one of the police officers' AK-47 in his hand. This caused a panic, which made the officers run after Caillou, (who had also stolen someone's bike.) Dora, Pepper pig and Thomas the tank engine were the only ones left. "What are we gonna do?" cried Dora. "I got it! I just need to use my backpack. Shall we use: A phone to call mum? A packet of skittles? A half-eaten mouldy burger? Or an X-24 Titan class death ray from the future?"

 _All the little kids watching the show shouted out "MOULDY BURGER!"_

"What? Er… okay but I really think we should use the…

 _All the kids shouted "MOULDY BURGER!"_

"But I erm… NOOoOOOOOoooOOOoooO!" shouted Dora as her hand uncontrollably shot for the burger and slapped it into her mouth. The rules of Dora stated if the watchers said an option, she had to do it. So Dora groaned and started to turn green. "Ah, shit." Said Pepper Pig.

TO BE CONTINUED…  
 _Me: Dora, you tried to disobey the rules of cartoon characters. That will come back to haunt you.  
Dora: But I didn't want to eat a mouldy burger  
Me: Don't mess with the 2 year olds eating ice creams. They know better than you.  
Pepper Pig: Why did you make me swear…_


	3. A Happy ending Oops wrong story

CHAPTER THREE: A HAPPY ENDING… OOPS WRONG STORY

Dora choked and spluttered out the mouldy burger, but it was too late. She had swallowed the disgusting 3 week old food. To make matters worse, the burger was from "Fast burger™" and its burgers were infamous for being made so fast that the burgers were 78% fat, and 22% poison. The buns were full of artery-clogging heart-attack oil™. The burger stores got sued a lot. Coupled with the dirty 3 week old mould, anyone who ate it would die without serious medical help in 30 seconds. Luckily, there was an ambulance nearby for some reason, which took Dora to the hospital. Pepper pig and Thomas the tank engine were the only people left. "Hey that looks like a nice train. I'll steal it" said a random criminal. He took the tank engine and left. Pepper pig was afraid. She was the only one left, and it was a dark night. She only had Bob for company but Bob had become wasted because he drank too much beer that was in his soda bottle. Pepper had to walk around and explore in this new, modern world.

Meanwhile, Caillou was riding a bright pink bike he had stolen, with the police officer's AK-47 in his hand. "STOP LITTLE KID!" shouted the police captain as they slowly drove after the bald 4 year old. They couldn't go any faster because it was a 5 km zone and they could only go 5 km per hour. Caillou rode and rode until he made a turn and fell into a sewer. "Well, he's screwed" said one of the police officers. Unfortunately, Caillou was alive, and he rode down the sewer until he saw a light. Trust me, it was hard enough to see light with that much shit on his face but he saw it anyway. He waddled slowly and loudly into a room, where a gang of mobsters were hiding and playing Texas Hold 'em. "Well well…" said one of the mobsters. "It looks like a shit-covered bald toddler" Another mobster, covered in tattoos said "Uh… it is a toddler." Then they all gazed at the AK-47 and thought this kid had potential. So they took him in. "I WANT A COOKIE! WAAAAAAA" screamed Caillou. The ugly mobster shouted "SO DO I BUT WE CAN'T GET EVERYTHING CAN WE?"

While this was happening, Thomas the Tank engine was in a similar situation. The criminal was filling his tank up with a strange substance. "Okay let's go!" shouted the criminal and they burst out of the hideout and flew onto the railway.

Dora, meanwhile was in critical condition. The doctors were doing anything they could to get rid of the Fast burger™ meal, but she was falling fast. They did everything they could but one of the burger pieces escaped. Its artery-clogging fat was enough to flood the bodies of 200 healthy adults, let alone one kind of fat Italian (is it? Or is it Spanish…) girl with a problem with her ability to turn around and see what's behind her. She suddenly woke up, and ripped off the life support equipment because she was stupid. "Hey guys!" she shouted. "HOW DO YOU SPELL "I-GOT-BRAIN-DAMAGE-AND-NOW-HAVE-A-BIG-IQ-PROBLEM?" was the thing she was about to say, but unfortunately, she only got up to the word "brain" before she had a giant heart attack. "Welp" said the nurse. "There goes my promotion to 'Doctor'"

TO BE CONTINUED (Nope, it's not the ending)… _  
Dora: Why did I have to die? That wasn't very nice.  
Me: Life isn't nice. Get used to it.  
Dora: But I only got to be in…  
Me: Hey, you survived longer that Robbie Rotten.  
Robbie Rotten: MWA HA HAAAAA (runs onto the road again)  
Me: Wait no don't-  
(Robbie gets hit by an ambulance)  
Me: Okay guys, since Robbie wasn't really evil in Lazy Town I guess he goes to heaven.  
Dora: WHAT  
Me: Hey, I told you the rules of the 2 year olds would come back to haunt you.  
Dora: Where's Boots though…  
Me: He is now very happy and living in the zoo.  
Dora: He was happy with me.  
Me: Nah, he was only acting because your mum threatened to destroy his novelty 13_ _th_ _century limited edition gumboots and turn the rubber into a rubber size 0.5 sock.  
Dora: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_


	4. The fall of Pepper

CHAPTER 4: The fall of Pepper

 _Me: Extra-long chapter this time! Hope you like it!  
Caillou: NO! NO I DON'T WANT TO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
Me: Shut up!_

Pepper pig was walking around the city. People had never seen something like her before, and the stared at her as she walked by. Pepper was wondering around until it started to rain. It rained and rained until the dirt cluttered around the streets turned into mud. Instantly, Pepper turned into "mud rolling random laughing retarded maniac" mode and started jumping into the puddles, laughing loudly like she does in every episode. Everyone stared at her as if she was some kind of maniac, which she was actually. Then a policeman came. "Stop Pig! You are dirtying the streets!" Pepper pig wanted to turn around and apologize, but she could still see mud, and the laws of her cartoon made her programmed to "Smash into mud and laugh like you're a demented chicken". The police officer then realized that she was wearing a shirt, but no PANTS! "Ms. Pig! You are under arrest for indecent exposure, public nudity, and litter!" he shouted. Pepper finally managed to break free of the laws of her cartoon, (This is going to come back and bite her later) and ran off. The policeman took out his walkie-talkie and turned it on. "Officer Fudge to Eyes in the Sky, target is on the run. I repeat, target is on the run! Target looks like a small child in a pig suit, wearing nothing but a red shirt. Nothing below." A helicopter ("Eyes in the sky") immediately scanned the entire city block for the offending target. It found what it was looking for. "SHOOT 'EM DOWN!" shouted Eyes in the sky. Unfortunately, they shot down a bacon store instead because police officers can be dim sometimes.

Meanwhile, Caillou had risen fast to become leader of the mob (The Fairies with guns), and his first act as leader was to rename the mob into "The Caillous". "Mob leader Caillou!" said one of the thugs, holding a jar full of cookies for his leader. "What new terror shall we spread today?" Caillou took out a cookie and chewed it before placing his hands on the desk, mob leader style. "Go to the shops and buy me lunch." One of the thugs, the one in tattoos, looked confused. Then again, his IQ was under 47, so he always looked confused. He had never been known to say more than a two syllable word before. Usually he just pointed at things and grunted. "If we get lunch, people will attack us as they will recognise us" said another mobster, with a bullet-proof vest, bullet proof-legs, a bullet proof pair of gloves, and a skull so thick that it may as well have been bullet proof. Caillou screwed up his face and glared at them all in anger. "Oh no." said Bullet-head. Caillou's face shook with fury and he gritted his teeth. "LOOK OUT!" shouted another thug. "He's gonna blow!" Caillou opened his mouth. And the words of death came out. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IWANTLUNCHIWANTLUNCHIWANTLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!" he smashed his fists against the ground and cried and screamed and yelled. All the mobsters immediately ran out of the sewer and out into the sunlight.

Pepper ran, and ran until she finally found a house that looked friendly. When she went in, the first thing that she saw was a banner hanging down from the ceiling. "BUTCHERS ANNUAL GATHERING" it read. 20 people, all with cleavers were talking about how they had run out of pork and could only sell beef. Then they saw Pepper. She tried to run out, she really did, but then she lost her balance and landed on all fours. For some reason the only thing that she could think of was "Oink". As Pepper had broken free of her laws of her cartoon, she was now a regular pig. Then the butchers came and killed her and cut her up into 140 pieces and sold her for $2.99 per kilogram.

The mobsters ran out into the city and looked for a shop to get lunch for their 4 year old leader. They quickly found a "Baby food" store and rushed towards it. When they stole all the food and tied up the cashier (Y'know just a normal shopping trip) they heard a sound. "Hey" said Tattoo-man. "That sounds like a train about to fall on our heads. Then they all looked up to hear the sound of a train chugging strange smelling smoke and _flying_ in the air. It had thug life sunglasses on the face, which also had a smile. The only person on board was a criminal holding a **FIM-92 Stinger Rocket launcher!** The back of the train was firing streams of light that made it look like a rainbow was flying behind it. The train crashed to the ground and the criminal inside shouted "BOW TO THOMAS THE DANK ENGINE!" he shouted, sending out gas-form weed from Thomas's chimney.

TO BE CONTINUED…

 _Me: Well, there it is. Sorry I didn't put as many jokes in it but it was funny enough.  
Thomas the __tank_ _dank engine: I didn't choose the chug life. The chug life chose me.  
Pepper pig: Oink  
Caillou: DADDY! MUMMY! I WANT TO GO HOME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
Cailliou's mum: Man it's so fun without Caillou  
Caillou's dad: yeah, it's better this way  
Me: Well I'm glad I made some people happy. Stay tuned for the next chapter!  
Caillou: You're soopid!  
Me: Oh yeah? Well you're a whiney, bald piece of-  
(static)  
WE INTERRUPT THIS COMMENTARY FOR A POST CREDITS SCENE!_

Bob straightened up. He yawned and walked around. Then he saw the street lights flicker. A shock of blue electricity flew up into the air, and expanded into a shimmering sphere of energy. Suddenly, it exploded, sending shockwaves everywhere, and knocking Bob back. Three figures appeared. One was a small roadrunner with tall legs and a long neck. The other was a Coyote standing on its hind legs. The next was an incredibly short man wearing a construction hat. Bob looked at the newcomers. "Oh no." He said "Not again."

 _Me: Huh. That's new.  
Roadrunner: Beep beep!_


	5. Mob Rules

CHAPTER 5: Mob rules

 _Me: Heya guys! Sorry for the long wait, I just ran out of ideas. But now here's a new chapter! Hope ya like it!  
Road Runner: Beep beep!_

Caillou was having a temper tantrum. His mobsters STILL hadn't come back yet and he was MAD. He opened up his IPhone and turned on Instagram. He posted a message in his group chat, "CAILLOU'S SUPER AWESOME SUPER SECRET AND COOL CHATTY CHAT CHAT CAT", which read this:  
WHERE IS MY BACON SANDWHICH AND COOKIES?  
WHERE IS MY 6 JAM DONUTS?

 _Me: Man, Caillou has real bad grammar_

Then he pressed "Send" and waited for his mobsters to reply.

5 hours later, the mobsters still hadn't replied yet. Caillou was sitting on his king-sized king-priced triple cushion pillow soft ultra-deluxe chair like an idiot and was really getting mad. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHERE IS MY LUNCH!" he screamed and started bashing around as if he had a seizure (He was one of the victims of the Pokémon episode "Cyber soldier Porygon"). The fact is, even if Caillou's faithful mobsters had a phone then they wouldn't have seen the message anyway because a) they wouldn't know had to use Instagram as all of them had a total IQ of 23, and b) because Caillou didn't have anyone invited on his chat except himself because he had no idea how to use Instagram either. So he waited there like a fool while his mobsters joined up Thomas the dank engine's gang.

While Caillou was shooting up his stolen solid gold set of Oscars with an AK-47 without any bullets in it, Bob the builder was having a great time with Bob (the guy at the start who called the police in chapter 1).

 _Me From now on, Bob will be known as Idiot Bob and Bob the builder will remain the same._

Idiot Bob didn't really like Bob the builder, but he decided to use him as a way to get money fast, as Bob could build and fix anything in the span of about the average _Bob the builder_ episode. Meanwhile, Roadrunner was being chased as always, by Wile E Coyote, and the poor Coyote was forced to continuously get hit over the head with anvils and fall down cliffs. (It's okay, they were both enjoying it. Except for Wile E.) Bob the builder was also having a lot of fun, as he had never fixed more than one thing every 10 minutes before. Idiot Bob was getting really rich from all that money.

"Man!" said Idiot Bob. "Who knew all it took to get rich was just to wait at the side of the road until an interdimensional portal appeared and sent out some random really short guy who knew how to fix stuff really quickly for free and allowed you to let him fix stuff for a bunch of random idiots who payed you for it" He now lived in a 20 storey mansion thanks to Bob the builder, which he now decided to move to and drink a can of Fanta.

Suddenly, the mansion exploded, sending Idiot Bob flying through the air and landing in a puddle. Thomas the dank engine was flying through the air in a stream of rainbows and firing gas clouds of weed everywhere. The person driving him, criminal mastermind Irma Robber, was holding his rocket launcher and had shot it at the mansion. "AW HELL NO!" screamed Idiot Bob, as a dozen men jumped out of the now-hovering train and started shooting anything that could move (and a lot of things that couldn't, such as a rock).

In case you were wondering where Wile E Coyote and Roadrunner went off to, then we will interrupt this exciting scene and go to the heart of the city, where Wile E was running as fast as he could towards a blur of feathers and feet. Roadrunner dipped in and out between cars and skimmed on the roofs. Wile E took out his latest ACME© Anti-Roadrunner Viper class anvil cannon and began firing anvils everywhere, crushing a bunch of cars wherever he went. Every car was crushed and pulverised by the anvils, every part of the street had an anvil on it and the Coyote was satisfied that he had finally killed Roadrunner. "Beep beep!" Then the anvil cannon exploded (don't ask why, it just did). According to the laws of the cartoon, Wile E was not supposed to win under any circumstances so he was sent flying through the air and an anvil clonked him over the head. Roadrunner ran up to him and said "Beep beep!" before running off. The unfortunate bad-guy fell into a bar full of evil-doers, bandits, robbers, terrorists and sewerage tank cleaners. Wile E moved his head upward (don't worry, he was fine) and saw a poster saying:

WANTED  
ASSASSIN FOR HIRE  
FREE WEAPONS  
PAY IS 60! Cents A DAY!  
Assassin co is not to blame for any mishaps and mortal injuries that might be afflicted by local law enforcement to assassin. If you want insurance, call a lawyer.

Wile E studied it, and as he didn't see any tiny text, (because he couldn't read anything except for the word "Weapons") he decided to go to the place specified to see what he could do.

Caillou was mad. He was doing an armed robbery with the remaining of his gang only to find that there was over 100 million dollars' worth of coloured cotton paper with the queen's face on it, but NO COOKIES! He ordered his grunts to fire their Uzis until the bank staff had all run away. "Stupid bank!" he screamed as he ran off (with 6 bodyguards armed with machine guns and combat knives, a helicopter flying overheard with a sniper in case of emergency, and 12 idiots with tattoos and empty mini-guns that they didn't know how to reload) and went to find a cookie store.

When he heard gunshots, he (and his gang, which he had renamed "The bald bandits") ran to see the disturbance. He saw Thomas the dank engine, some random guy with a rocket launcher (due to being an incredibly stupid idiot, Caillou thought it was a trumpet), and none other than his own men with guns aimed at Idiot Bob and Bob the builder! "HEY!" screamed Caillou "WHY YOU GUYS GO AND LEAVE ME WITHOUT GIVING ME _LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!_ " he started beating his fists onto the ground. "We're through being the servants of some jack-assed kid with ball cancer!" yelled Tattoo-man. "YOU MUST OBEY ME NOW! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" cried Caillou, before declaring total war on the mobsters.

 _Damn it_ thought Idiot Bob. _There's a four year old wielding a miniature shotgun, and an entire mob war going on! I better run!_ But before he could, he tripped over Caillou, and ended up falling into a manhole leading to the sewer.

TO BE CONTINUED…

 _Me: Welp, things are heating up here!  
Random reader: Stop adding so many new characters!  
Me: Fine. Any other requests?  
Caillou: LET ME WIN AND GIVE ME A COOKIE!  
Me: For the last time NO  
Caillou: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_


	6. Mob war

CHAPTER 6: Mob war

 _Me: Wow is it chapter 6 already? Huh. Neat. I better finis this story up, because I'm running out of funny material._

It was total chaos. An entire city block was being completely and utterly destroyed by the gang of a four year old and a train with "deal with it" glasses firing rainbows. And bowling balls. Caillou's bald bandits were shooting anything they could (which was nothing since they didn't have any ammunition and had no idea how to reload a weapon) while Thomas the dank engine's gang was running around and hitting stuff over the head and tossing frag-grenades. "Excellent!" laughed Irma Robber, the controller of Thomas. "When we defeat the Caillou gang in this cliché-ridden logic-empty battle, we shall rule the entire city!" he was about to do an evil laugh when one of his grunts asked "Who the hell are you talking to?" Irma shrugged.

Idiot Bob was caught in the crossfire. His main goal was just trying to dodge all the bullets, rockets, rainbows, idiots waving steel pipes shouting "OOGA CHACKA" and coconuts that were flying around hitting the entire battlefield. Bob looked around to check what was happening, then groaned, because Bob the builder was trying to fix anything he could. "BOB YOU IDIOT STOP TRYING TO FIX THAT INCINERATED BUILDING WITH JUST A SPANNER!" he yelled. Bob the builder looked around, and decided to obey because the one thing he loved better than fixing random garbage was listening to people. Caillou, in the meantime, was no help at all (what do you expect? He's a four year old) and was just crying and slamming his fist into the ground and screaming "I WANT A COOKIE!" and his gang members were just throwing anything they could get their hands on and shooting (as they finally realized how to reload)

"Caillou!" yelled a thug, "We can't hold the line much longer! We need to retreat!" "BUT I WANT A COOKIE!" screamed the four year old bald brat. "We can fight this battle another day! Let's get into the Caillou mobile!" shouted another grunt before he was shot by a bazooka-gun. Caillou immediately perked up. "Can I drive?" he asked. Bill, one of the more intellectually stronger mobsters, hesitated, before saying "Fine."

The Caillou-mobile was just a (stolen) bright pink 1913 Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo with a formula one racing engine attached, and was pretty much the weirdest, most unstable, most stupid looking thing in the whole world (seriously, search it up) with bright purple words "CAILLOU'S SUPR DUPER COOOLY COOL CAILLOU-MOBILE"  
 _Me: Caillou's thugs couldn't spell that well_  
It went tearing through the streets, at around 200 mph and crashing into everything. Caillou couldn't hit the gas pedal as he was just a toddler so he had to push it with his shotgun while he steered it while sitting on a booster seat. The gangsters, however had to hold onto the sides of the car as there was only enough space for Caillou and his solid titanium accident-proof, shock-proof, fire-proof, acid-proof, idiot proof booster seat, and Rexy, his new toy dinosaur after his old one was left behind in the Caillou dimension. It was 9 feet tall. Unfortunately, there were so many mobsters in Caillou's gang that they covered the entire space and Caillou couldn't see. Not that it would have helped him anyway. He drove like an insane maniac with a swarm of angry mosquitoes up his behind. Oh wait, he was.

The sound of gunshots and spilt blood echoed through the air as the modified Bi-Autogo crashed through the city and the entire gang shot the freaking $#!t out of anything. They were shooting wild, as the Caillou-mobile bashed, crashed, and burned an escape route. "HELL YEAH!" screamed Caillou as his faithful gang drove back to their secret hideout.

Wile E Coyote stood at the entrance to his new job. It was in an underground sewer. Strange place for an assassin-hiring agency. Suddenly, Caillou's 1913 Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo crashed down into the sewer and braked two millimeters from Wile E's nose. "Huh. You must be wanting to be hired as an assassin." Said Cudmore, the gang's weapon supplier. Wile E nodded. "Then let's get started" grinned the mobsters.

Roadrunner was (yep you guessed it) running around the city when he received a most unexpected poke in the eye.

TO BE CONTINUED…

 _Me: The suspense is rising, who will win? To one side, the Caillou bald bandits, to the next, Irma Robber's military train Thomas and Wile E and Roadrunner, two neutrals who could put their talents into good use. Not that Wile E Coyote has a lot of tale-  
Wile E Coyote: (Cracks knuckles rather loudly)  
Me: Erm…. Tune in next week or so for what happens next (whispering) who's idea was it to give Wile E more weapo-  
(sounds of gunshots, beep beeps and punches fill the air)  
Me: ComebacknexttimenowIgottarunbecauseI'mgettingpunchedandshotatgoodbye  
(static)_


	7. Hired Assassins

_6 hours ago…_

 _Me: ARGH! I can't think of any good ideas!  
(Searches up funny videos on YouTube)  
(Goes through Recommended list)  
(Sees "Terraria" videoes on "Recommended")  
Me: Hmm…  
(Sees "Terminator 2: Judgment day clips on "Recommended")  
Me: Hmm…  
(Sees "The Matrix" clips)  
(Watches videos)  
Me: Hmm…. Roadrunner… dodging bullets… being chased by Wile E… with a…  
(Lightbulb appears over my head)  
Me: LIGHTBULB!_

Chapter 7: Hired Assassin

 _Two hours ago, Caillou's Bald Bandits' sewer lair:  
_ Wile E stepped into the Bald Bandits' weapon supply vault and was glad to see all of the walls covered with nearly every kind of weapon imaginable… past, present AND future.  
 _Me: Shut up it works  
_ Wile E decided to choose the UltraWhale 600 Series Gatling Cannon as his killing machine of choice. This spectacular gun could chomp through 7000 bullets in approximately 5 seconds. With that astonishing speed combined with the fantastic state-of-the-art technology that allowed more bullets to be produced while firing using materials from debris, the UltraWhale 600 could fire over 14000 shots using only 6000 bullets, the other 8000 shots being rubble, rubbish, and rusty metal fired at an speeds of nearly 321868.8 metres per second and with the sheer gunpower to pierce through a wall of solid steel with a width, length, and height of 60 metres, weighing over 1.5 billion kilograms with a single slug. Used in the hands of a professional with an ego, this powerful pea-shooter could decimate all of the world's most powerful tanks and armed forces in a little less than a 51.85 seconds. "That gun sure is heavy. You reckon you can handle it Coyote?" asked Cudmore. Wile E gave an evil grin. Which even though it ended up looking like a dorky smirk because he was a coyote, still looked malicious.

Roadrunner was (yep you guessed it) running around the city when he received a most unexpected poke in the eye. The thing poking him in the eye was the rather large barrel belonging to the UltraWhale 600. Wile E gave his dorky-but-still-kind-of-evil-looking smirk and followed his orders: Attack the city block where Thomas the dank Engine's gang were attacking, and destroy anything that stood in his way. And Roadrunner was standing in his way. The rest of the Bald Bandits took out their guns. "Let's get some cookies" said Caillou, attempting to smoke a cigarette and throwing up.

The air was filled with gunshots as Caillou's gang fired off a dozen rounds in the general direction of Roadrunner. Wile E let rip his UltraWhale and 10000 shots came speeding out of the barrel where the Whale's mouth should have been. 60 tones worth of lead flew toward the bird and suddenly, time stood still. The bullets slowed down and finally stopped inches away from Roadrunner's beak. He kicked off the ground, racing through the air before landing on Wile E Coyote's face and jumping off it like a launch-pad. Roadrunner flicked all the bullets away and subduing all of the gangsters and cracking two of the smartest-looking ones by the heads together Three Stooges style.

Mob's point of view:  
The air was filled with gunshots as Caillou's gang fired off a dozen rounds in the general direction of Roadrunner. Wile E let rip his UltraWhale and 1000 shots came speeding out of the barrel where the Whale's mouth should have been. 60 tones worth of lead flew toward the bird but in the next half a second, Wile E felt something kick off his face, Cudmore and Pudmore (his older brother) had their heads knocked together and the rest felt a sharp pain hit them in the back of the head and they fell over, unconscious. Wile E Coyote was the only one not to have been knocked out. What he saw was Roadrunner standing in the exact same position he was when he shot the gun, with the bullets somehow scattered around the ground, still smoking. Wile E fired his gun and 20,000 bullets came bursting out everywhere over the place at the 321868.8 metres per second and burst Roadrunner apart like a splattered rotten melon and his guts came flying out and so did his blood and Wile E kicked the lifeless corpse to the side triumphantly. Or that's what was supposed to happen. Instead, the bullets came flying out and Roadrunner dodged them all, taking a weapon from Cudmore's goodie bag. He zoomed up right next to Wile E , who spun around quickly. Not quickly enough. Wile E was unconscious before he hit the floor.

"Beep beep."

TO BE CONTINUED…

 _Me: Yes the UltraWhale is a reference to Terraria's MegaShark. Also I think I'll plan on making this more ridiculous. Be sure to see a lot of wacky weapons and dumb jokes next chapter!  
Roadrunner: Beep beep  
Caillou: GIVE ME A PAIR OF CHAINSAW NUNCHUCKS YA DOUCHE  
Me: Wow he knows swear words? He's learning!_


	8. Flamethrower-Piano-Sickle!

Chapter 8: Flamethrower-Piano-Sickle!

Idiot Bob was having a huge party in his brand new 92 storey mansion with the whole city. Bob the builder had just finished rebuilding it with just his spanner for some dumb reason, and that guy from Chapter 1 who looked like Stan Lee was drinking his 5th bottle of raspberry flavored Fanta in the Hot tub. Idiot Bob had no idea who he was, but he just invited him to his party with the rest of the city. The party had gone on for 4 days non-stop because the entire _city block_ had been blown apart by the bazookas, mini-guns, shotguns, energon booze and grenades disguised as a cardboard cutout of Caillou in sunglasses with a sign saying "Free autographs". The mobs had battled through the entire city, destroying so many city blocks that the entire city had just gone into Idiot Bob's mansion, the only place where they could be safe with the new Anti-matter organic matter disintegrator force-field that Bob the builder had installed. Any living thing that attempted to enter the mansion without Idiot Bob's permission was immediately zapped with 100,000 volts of Anti-matter death-rays, shocked with the force of 10 nuclear bombs (contained within the persons' body so no damage could be done to the surrounding area), and sucked into a rip in space-time where the unfortunate individual was ripped apart, electrocuted, crushed, mutilated, brutally dissected, eviscerated, chucked into oblivion, incinerated, decimated and completely and utterly atomized, all of this in one teenysecond (the world's shortest second, a hundred million teenyseconds equals one Planck unit, which is the time required for light to travel) before finally returning into the normal plane of existence as a small pile of dust. There were an awful lot of small piles of dust on the floor near Idiot Bob's house.

Irma Robber and his personal super-mob attack train aka Thomas the Dank engine, were outside the mansion with their gangs behind. The force-field went around the entire house, there was no way to enter it. "How can we enter this place?" wondered Irma, walking left and right. Thomas farted out a couple of rainbows before spinning around and releasing several clouds of weed and crystal meth. "I think we should just shoot the force-field" speculated one of the gang members. "Since it only destroys living things right?" Irma stopped walking around and turned toward the gang member. "NO!" He shouted. "THAT WOULD DESTROY THE WHOLE HOUSE AND THEN EVERYONE LIVING IN THERE WOULD BE KILLED AND THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY POINT OF THE LAST 426 WORDS!" The mobs stared as their leader spazzed out and started throwing pieces of paper marked 'F' and screamed "YOU ALL SUCK AT IDEAS ON HOW TO DESTROY A FORCE FIELD THAT ONLY AFFECTS LIVING THINGS! YOU GET AND 'F' AND YOU GET AN 'F' AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU! ALL OF YOU GET EFFFFFSSS! EFFFS FOR F*CKING FAILURES! ARGHHHHHHHH!" one of the gang members placed a black box marked "Censored" and blocked Irma's swearing that had sprouted from his mental instability from smelling too much of the drugs. Irma started breaking the windshields of cars and throwing the hundreds of glass shards at a random cat walking down the road (and missing by about 10 metres), all the while screaming "YOU ALL GET EFFFFFFS!" and laughing maniacally After his quick 45 minute mental breakdown, Irma and turned to Thomas. "Give me some intelligent communication Thomas!" he whispered (because his voice had gotten really sore from shrieking, screaming and yodelling at the top of his lungs for 45 minutes). Thomas just farted some beer and gave him a cigarette-covered throat lozenge dunked in booze.

Meanwhile, as Idiot Bob had the time of his life and Irma Robber's gang stood completely bewildered, the Bald Bandits woke up with most sporting a particular pain on the back of their necks. "What the heck happened?" grunted Cudmore, who had lost a couple of brain cells in the fight (Although I wouldn't have called it a fight, I would have called it a slaughter fest but since they hadn't actually died, I'll just call it a fight). Cudmore's older brother Pudmore, who always wore lipstick ever since Cudmore had combined some super-glue with it and smeared it over his face while asleep, had a nasty bruise on his face. And a cut. And another cut. And a few more bruises. And a bunch of scabs. And a few blisters. And some pimples. And about 14 boils full of pus right next to the pimples. Just the way he normally looked. "Why didn't you get hurt?" asked Cudmore, suspicious. "Eh, I must have landed on the grass." Answered Pudmore, unaware that the back of his head was bleeding.  
 _Me: That, by the way, was not there before the gang had gone after roadrunner  
_ "But the bird hit our heads together." Muttered Cudmore.  
"I didn't feel it though"  
"That's because you reinforced your skull with iron you idiot!"  
"Hey, it's a thin layer"  
"Well you wouldn't have landed on the grass!"  
"And why not?"  
"Because we're in the city!"  
"So?"  
"The nearest place with grass is the park!"  
"Yeah and?"  
"It's two and a half kilometres away!"  
The argument would have gone for quite a few minutes but Pudmore fainted from the blood draining out of his head. As he said, the iron _was_ a thin layer. Only about 0.1 millimetres thick, by the calculations. Which in that case the whole iron-skull thing was useless other than alerting the guards at the metal detectors at the airport, which meant it fell right into the "unhelpful" category. The iron skull had gotten Pudmore arrested at the airport many times, and the mob would always have to break him out of prison. "Good gravy!" yelled Cudmore as he saw his older brother faint of blood loss. The other gang members stared. "It's an expression." Sighed Cudmore. "Not all gangsters swear you know." Just about then, Wile E Coyote, still clutching his UltraWhale, woke up and looked around. "We gotta get Pudmore to a hospital!" shouted Cudmore. "Where?" asked a gang member. "We all set them on fire in our gang battle!" "Aw crap!" shouted Cudmore. The gang members stared. "I never said I was one of the gangsters who never swore!" Luckily, right about then, they all heard the sound screeching tires, the smell of spilt petrol, and the squeaking of soft toys fill the air as the Caillou-mobile bashed around the corner. "Get in!" said Caillou, putting on a pair of Aviator sunglasses that were too big for his face while successfully sitting on the booster seat without falling off. "Weren't you lying on the ground here like the rest of us a few minutes ago?" asked the shortest gangster. "I found the Caillou-mobile." Said Caillou triumphantly in his voice that sounded like Chinese water-torture. "Of course you found it." Sighed Cudmore. "It was right next to us the whole time. How do you think we got here to beat up the Roadrunner?" Caillou put on his meanest demented face. "JUST GET IN YA STUPEEEEEEEEES!" he shrieked. They decided to get in. "Hey." Exclaimed Cudmore, searching through his bag of weapons. "Where's my Flamethrower Piano Sickle?"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	9. Dromopyromaniac

_Me: WRITING RANDOM STUFF TILL I GET A GOOD IDEA WRITING RANDOM STUFF TILL I GET A GOOD IDEA WRITING RANDOM STUFF UNTIL… I GOT IT! I! WILL! Go and eat a sandwich._

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

 _Me: Damn I burned the sandwich._

ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES LATER…

 _Me: Urgh… who put salad in my all-meat sandwich?_

 _Caillou: I WANT A COOKIE_

 _Me: FU- wait why am I talking to a fictional character who is just a product of my hyperactive imagination?_

 _Irma: I don't know why is a four-year-old driving a car from the 1910's?_

 _Me: Welp I just burned this salad sandwich. Gonna make another one._

YET ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES LATER...

 _Me: I am a horrible sandwich maker. Anyway on to the story!_

…

 _Me: (clears throat)_

…

 _Me: (clears throat loudly)_

…

 _Me: (clears throat very loudly)_

…

 _Me: (clears throat extremely lou-) COUGH KAFF KAFF GOUH COUGH KAFF swallowed COUGH my tongue by accide-_

 _(Chapter message falls on head)_

CHAPTER NINE: Dromopyromaniac

The night sky was dotted with stars. The city was completely quiet. The only sound that could be heard was a slight humming of the force-field situated outside Idiot Bob's house. Irma's gang had given up trying to break through long ago (falling asleep right next to the shield so they could try to and the Idiot Bob's super-wild party had ended as all the guests had become drunk on the drink creator that Bob the builder had created. They would all have hangovers in the morning. The silence was cut, no crushed, no wait incinerated, by the rumbling splutter of a modified 1913 Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo burst through the smog. "CREAM THE PUNKS!" yelled Cudmore, and the sound of gunfire was heard as the entire gang hanging on for dear life on the edges of the moving vehicle fired their guns at the opponent gang. Unfortunately, Irma's gang were sleeping in the bulletproof Thomas the Dank engine, and weren't hurt at all.

Idiot Bob woke up to the sound of a large explosion. He peeked out the window to see the two gangs brawling it out like a group of Pokémon fans making a flame war against Digimon fans. The opposing groups were duking it out with their remaining weapons. And in the carnage of it all, there in the center was a modified 1913 Scripps Booth Bi-Autogo inside a gaping hole in a baby-blue steam engine. Thomas the Dank engine was dead. "Holy shit!" yelled Idiot Bob, and he ducked down nanoseconds before a stream of bullets blasted through the brick walls of the mansion. Wile E Coyote was spinning around and shooting everything with his UltraWhale, making Irma's gang suffer heavy losses. Irma, knowing that he had lost, ran off, dropping his rocket launcher. Before he could though, he hit by a speeding blur of feathers. Roadrunner, with what looked like an electronic keyboard with a flamethrower attached to it, had stopped the criminal mastermind in his tracks. "Beep beep!" The two fighting gangs then saw what appeared to be a feathered streak disappearing and reappearing, each time playing pieces of what sounded like Beethoven's Moonlight sonata, and shooting sickles that appeared to be on fire. Miraculously, all the flaming sickles seemed to completely miss Wile E Coyote and hit everyone else. Wile E grinned, and pulled the trigger on his UltraWhale. There was an explosion, and that night the locals of the city would have sworn to see what looked like a coyote flying through the sky, on fire and looking extremely humiliated. Wile E landed on the ground and fell unconscious.

Caillou's gang were celebrating. Their bald 4-year-old leader had defeated the opposing gang and there was now nothing that could stop them from taking over the city. Unfortunately they had all forgotten the humungous force-field that was protecting Idiot Bob's mansion and every person living inside it. Which was everyone. While the gang partied in their ignorance, Caillou decided to learn music. He had always wanted to play the trumpet. And the scary man with a name that sounded like a girl's had dropped exactly what he wanted! Caillou picked up the FIM-92 Stinger Rocket launcher and blew into it, pulling the "buttons" to change the tone, just like he had seen what Daddy had done.

BOOM!

"WHY! WHYYY! WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYY!" sobbed Irma. "WHY DID YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO DESTROY MY GANG, RUIN MY MASTER PLAN AND DIRTY MY BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, WONDERFUL ROCKET LAUNCHER!" Bullet-head, one of Irma's surviving gang members who was playing dead, tilted his head up and shouted "Irma, you really have to start dating again!"

Right after that, New York's finest decided to actually stop watching cheesy 1980s soap operas and eating donuts to step out of the force-field and arrest the crap out of every criminal there. Meanwhile, Bob the builder had put the finishing touches to a new invention. "What have you got there?" muttered Idiot Bob, sipping some water because he had ran out of beer and Fanta and hated the taste of Coke. "The send-cartoon-characters-into-their-respective-dimensions-ray-machine that you asked for a couple of hours ago" replied Bob, looking up. "Did I ask for that?" asked Idiot Bob, frowning.

 _Earlier that night…_

"Heyyyyy Bob!" Idiot Bob was stumbling around in the mansion with an empty can of Intoxicated Al's Guaranteed-to-make-you-drunk-with-one-sip High sugared Radioactive Whiskey. "A few magical bunnies hopping *hic* around my bedroom told me to make a *hic* sendy cartoonycharater thingymabob that sends people into… into…" Idiot Bob hiccupped loudly and frowned, before stating, "their… uh… Rome! Yeah yeah… uh make something that sends some… *hic* people into Rome! Uh heh heh" he violently vomited before coughing out "yeah uh since I can't do it you *hic* can. The magical hippos or were they frogs? Yeah uh the magical rhinosaurcats CANNOT be ignored so (vomit) make it for them!" Idiot Bob passed out. "Hey Bob?" asked Bob the builder, who was standing right behind him. "Why were you talking to the refrigerator?"

 _Back in the present…_

"Oh yeeeeeah no I don't remember that. Anyway just do something with it throw it into the trash compactor I don't really care ok?" Bob the builder turned it on. "DAMMIT BOB I TOLD YOU TO THROW IT INTO THE TRASH COMPACTOR!"  
"We don't have a trash compactor"  
"WELL MAKE ONE IT TOOK YOU 5 MINUTES TO MAKE THE MANSION!"  
"I can't the episode has ended already"  
"Wow you know how to break the fourth wall?"  
"SOMETHING'S BROKEN? I MUST FIX IT!"  
Bob then spent 20 minutes fixing the fourth wall with his spanner.

Wile E Coyote woke up to the scorching heat. He was back in the desert. He seemed to remember something. Whales. It had something to do with Whales. And that director who liked to put explosions in all his movies. Just as Wile E was about to remember his time in the modern world, there was a streak of blue and feathers.  
"Beep beep."  
The two ran across the desert for the rest of the afternoon.

After the fourth wall had been fixed, Irma had been sent to jail ranting that his name shouldn't be a girl's name. Bob had returned himself and the two characters from the Roadrunner cartoons back to their respective shows. The city spent a while cleaning up but eventually, everything went back to normal. The world would never see the cartoon characters in the flesh again. Hopefully.

The end.


End file.
